Working out your guest list when half your family is abroad

Every guest list starts as a fight about numbers and ends as a fight about money. When part of your family is in another country, a third thing gets in the way: you genuinely do not know how many of them can come until quite late, and the caterer wants an answer before then.

You cannot fix that by guessing harder. You fix it by asking in a way that gives you a real answer earlier.

Start with the people, not the total

Write down everybody, with no limit, in three columns: the ones whose absence would change the day, the ones you would be glad to see, and the ones who are on the list because somebody else put them there. Most of the argument that follows is about the third column, and it is easier to have when it is visible.

Do this before you agree a venue capacity, not after. A number decided first turns every subsequent conversation into a subtraction.

Two lists, or one

If you are having a traditional at home and a celebration abroad, these are often not the same list, and pretending otherwise causes trouble in both directions. Decide early who is invited to which, and be clear about it. An invitation that implies both when it means one is worse than a smaller invitation honestly given.

Ask per event, from the start

A single yes or no across three days tells you almost nothing. Ask per event and the numbers separate themselves: the people coming to everything, the ones flying in for the weekend, and the ones making only the reception. That is three catering figures and three seating plans, and you have them without a follow-up round.

Expect the gap, and find out early where it is

People who have to fly say yes with more caution and change their minds later, usually for reasons nobody controls: leave refused, a visa refused, a fare that doubled. Ask travelling guests a second question alongside the reply, about whether they have booked, and you will see the difference between an intention and a plan.

• Send to the people who need to fly first, months before everyone else.
• Ask whether they have booked, not just whether they are coming.
• Keep a short reserve list and be honest with yourself about when you would use it.

Children, plus-ones and the things nobody says out loud

Decide both before the invitations go out and write it where guests can read it, because the alternative is answering it individually forty times. If children are not invited, say that plainly and early enough for people to arrange something. A plus-one policy that varies by guest is a policy you will be explaining for months.

Chasing, without becoming a nuisance

A fortnight after the invitation, look at who has not replied and message them by name. Group reminders are read by the people who already replied. Individual ones get answers, and the people who have gone quiet are usually the ones who are struggling to commit and would rather tell you privately.

The number you give the caterer

Give them the confirmed attending number with party sizes, not the invited number, and tell them how many of those are travelling from abroad. Then agree the latest date you can change it. Every caterer has one, and it is usually later than the first one they quote you.